I want to be real honest here so let me make this very clear, I lie. This is an area of my life where I used to think I was perfect and never dishonest. I had this obsession with honesty. When someone lied to me, I would go nuts and feel hurt and betrayed. My self-righteous belief that I was better than everyone else for not lying hurt people close to me. It felt good to point the finger at someone else safe in my indignity of being wronged.

Lying to Myself

I believed that I was an honest person until I started working with my EFT coach. When we began clearing the layers of dishonesty I carried within me, I was shocked by what we uncovered.

The biggest shock was how many subtle ways I lied to myself. In some of my EFT sessions, my coach would catch me and say “see, right there, you are not being honest with yourself.” It was a real eye-opener and a painful one at times. Thankfully, this is one area of my life which I have worked hard to improve. However, I did a lot of damage before I discovered this character flaw and took action to correct it.

Lying on the Sly

In previous posts and my “worst-year-of-my-life” story, I mention that I was in a long-term relationship with a man who was the love of my life. After my surgery, he left the relationship, but we have remained close friends.

I was always careful to word things as “he left me right after my surgery” making him sound like a scoundrel which he is not. I think it made me feel better about myself, but that is only half the story.

Through my ongoing and in-depth spiritual work, I have come to realize that I am responsible for ending our relationship. I lied to myself about this for a long time, like a junkie getting a daily fix. It is impressive how long he endured all this incredible negative energy I put into the relationship. It shows his abundant patience, kindness, and love for me.

Throughout the last few years of our relationship, I would often say and do all the right things. But in my head, I was putting him down, judging him, pushing him away and ending the relationship over and over with my thoughts and feelings. It’s like that Patty Loveless song lyric “you left me a long time ago.” Well, I left him long before he had a chance to leave me and I don’t blame him one bit. I am grateful that he chose to remain, as my good friend as I continue on my journey of self-exploration and improvement.

Lying Hurts Everyone

This example is just one of the many ways that I have lied to myself, and I could say it only hurt me, but that too would be a lie. All my feelings and thoughts whether voiced or not, came through on an energetic level and so he felt every single slight, every insult, every dissatisfaction I threw at him. How awful it must have been. I feel bad for mistreating him (even if just in my mind), and I love him dearly for enduring as much as he did and choosing to stay in my life.

If I had a chance to do it over again, I would be more careful with my thoughts and feelings. Back then, I wish I had been spiritually healthier to treat him the way he deserves to be treated. He really is a wonderful person with so much to offer.

Finally Some Truth

Now as friends, I am careful to voice my TRUE feelings, my thoughts, and my fears. I am ok with being vulnerable with him. That has always been hard for me, so it is real growth now to be able to let myself be weak or a complete mess around him. I used to be afraid he was secretly judging me or thinking poorly of me while acting completely normal. I was wrong; he does not do that, he is much better at being honest than I ever was.

In fact a week ago I had a meltdown in a mall. My brand new iPhone was broken they had to replace the whole screen. The store was hot, chaotic and overwhelming and it started causing me a headache. We went to get lunch while they fixed my phone and he sat across from me while I wallowed in self-pity. The entire time, he was patient, kind and loving. At one point he said, “is there anything I can do for you?” Wow! Here I am a total mess, and after everything, I put him through he still wasn’t judging me, not one bit. He remained supportive and helpful which allowed me to process my bad mood quickly. I finally came around so we could enjoy the rest of the afternoon.

I realized at that moment that I had sabotaged our relationship from the beginning. All those years that I made him out to be the bad guy, he was not. In reality, I was the one behaving badly by putting him down in my head and believing that I was a better person than he was. I was the one at fault, and I am genuinely sorry to have hurt this dear, beautiful and loving man. However, I am also grateful to be able to see the truth clearly now and own up to it.

Lying is No Big Thing

I feel different about lying now. I am not hurt and run over if someone lies to me, I just let it roll off. As I see myself reflected in them, I realize, they must have a good reason. I used lying to cover up my fears, my unhappiness, and to protect myself from harm. Lying is not the catastrophe I used to think it was. It is merely a protection mechanism that we use when we are unable to be our authentic, honest, selves and be vulnerable to others.

I have since raised my conscious awareness to see when I am doing this and not being honest. I now have the choice to change it, voice my truth and come clean. It feels much better than bottling it all up and ruining relationships, or friendships. I no longer have to blame someone else. I can take responsibility, stand up and say “I did this.” I now choose to be better, but I will not shy away from my past mistakes. My experiences have taught me what I need to heal and made me a better person.