As a kid, I read hundreds of books in all genres. I preferred those that were part of a series like the Narnia books because when one book ended, I could move on to the next one and continue the story.
As an adult, instead of watching movies, I like TV series. I seek out those with many years (5-10 especially) of seasons so I don’t have to deal with the ending too soon. If a great show has only one or two seasons, I might pass it up because of my disdain for endings. Lately, I have begun to wonder why I hate endings so much. This year has given me an entirely different perspective.
My Father’s Story
In late March, my father went to the ER because he was having trouble breathing. For the six months prior, he had this awful cough, and despite being subjected to every test known to man, his doctors found nothing.
Once he entered the hospital, he was there for two weeks while they put him through other horrible tests and procedures. The result was they finally diagnosed him with stage 4 cancer. No wonder he was coughing and couldn’t breathe. He went home during week three but then, a few days later, ended up back in the hospital for another two weeks. Everyone kept waiting for him to get better enough to start treatment (chemo/radiation), but he never did. From there, he went to hospice, and he took his last breath on May 27th, Memorial Day. During his last few weeks, he was rarely coherent, often drugged and disoriented. He didn’t even know me at times. We had 47 days from start to finish before he was gone, and we never really got to say a proper goodbye.
My Mother’s Story
Once my father was gone, we had to move my mother closer to me so I could take care of her. My brother had to pack up their house with 53 years’ worth of stuff and then unpack her on this end. All the while, I was managing her finances and filling out mountains of paperwork to secure her income and finalize my father’s affairs. It was a staggering amount of work, and I had no idea what I was doing. I just kept moving forward one step at a time. As much as I hate endings, I prayed it would all end because it took its toll on me in ways I hadn’t imagined. Along with all the emotional baggage that it brought up, I wasn’t paying attention to my health. I was so focused on my father and mother that I forgot all about myself and my self-care.
During this time, my mother was devastated and did not make the move easy on any of us. It was painful, stressful, and at times infuriating.
My Story
Six days after my father died, I ended up in the ER with sepsis and a large kidney stone. I had to stay for three days. The kidney problem led to two surgeries in November, which were awful, and the recovery was painful and slow. I had postponed them to get my mother settled. Now, I wish I had gotten them over sooner.
Due to my father’s passing, our family is not celebrating the holidays. None of us feel very cherry or festive. But it also feels funny and wrong somehow to skip it all like I am wearing skin that is too small. My father was a great cook, and our family party was his time to shine. He would make six or seven different fabulous dishes. It’s hard to believe that we will never have that again. No one wants to celebrate without him. My parents did Christmas in a big way, and I feel that emptiness this year without it.
Because we were so busy in spring, summer, and fall, I had no time to grieve the loss of my father, so now all those unprocessed emotions are spilling out all over the place at inopportune times. I cry over everything and nothing. I feel like I am not in control of anything, which makes me crazy.
Sometimes, conversing with my father was tough. He had a touch of ADHD and would go into intricate details about things no one really wanted to hear. I would give anything to have one of those conversations with him again. But I wonder, would I appreciate it enough if we had one more Christmas with him?
2024 – An Ending I Look Forward To
Although 2014 was no prize, 2024 takes the cake for the worst year of my life. Although I like things to go on and on, I can’t wait for this year to end. I know it’s only symbolic when the calendar flips from one year to the next, but I can’t help but feel like somehow all this horrible stuff will be over, and I will get a fresh new canvas on which to paint my life over again.
A few people have said that 2025 will be my best year yet. I would be happy with a calm, quiet, boring, uneventful year. So, although I hate endings, I cannot wait for this year and everything it has brought with it to be over. Bring on 2025!
Looking for the Upside
After such a year, it makes you think. I have been striving to find the good in it all and maybe take away from it a lesson or two. The bottom line is no matter how much we resist endings, everything eventually ends, even life. We can try to control it all and keep the lid on, but in the end, life does what it wants. This year taught me how little control we have over anything.
My New Year’s resolution is to find ways to accept more easily and go with the flow. Much of the reason that this year was so hard on me is that I didn’t want things to change. I didn’t want my father to die or to move my mother. I didn’t want to be responsible for the things I am now.
Ultimately, the universe got its way, and I was a pawn in it all. Hopefully, with the new year, I can let go quicker and easier and will stop avoiding things that end. My goal is to learn how to appreciate things while they are here and embrace everything equally. That is the only way to live in peace, especially after an ending.
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