Many of us have heard those words spoken to us by a partner who wants out. They use this phrase to soften the blow, but it boils down to the fact that they no longer want to be in the relationship. However, recently I was thinking about a habit I have, and the phrase “It’s not you, it’s me” kept rolling around in my head. Let me explain what I mean.
Everyone is Playing the Blame Game
It seems like everywhere you look these days; someone is blaming someone else for something. We see it in books, movies, the news, and TV shows. Unfortunately, taking personal responsibility for our actions has become an afterthought, and it is no longer trendy to take the blame but instead deflect it.
I have heard some ludicrous stories of someone doing something awful and then blaming someone else. For example, someone breaks into your house to steal stuff, gets hurt, and then sues you. How crazy is that?
I hear “this is all your fault” in TV shows probably more often than any other words. However, it is always the fault of the person saying those words. But they are clueless and never see that; they want to blame someone else.
Why do we do that?
Because it hurts too much to think we aren’t perfect and did something wrong. Plus, the feelings of guilt are simply unbearable. It’s easier to just point the finger elsewhere.
How I Get Caught Up in It
Years ago, after my surgery and the breakup with the love of my life, I was enlightened about a bad habit of mine. I was in the most awful physical and emotional pain. I started working with an EFT (tapping) coach to get help, and she shocked me by frequently pointing out that my complaints about someone or something were invalid and that I was to blame.
It took me two long years working with her until I could see that as truth. I realized that I have a terrible habit of blaming first, and then later, when things calm down, I can see that perhaps it all stemmed from something I did or said, and it’s on me.
The first step to realizing this was to become more aware, and quiet my mind so I could see things clearly. Then it became apparent that it’s not you; it’s me.
Taking Responsibility: It’s Not You; It’s Me
We’re all busy with kids, jobs, and social lives. When you’re moving that fast, juggling so much, it’s harder to see anything clearly and we tend to operate on autopilot. My EFT coach often chastised me for talking too fast, thinking too fast, and not slowing down enough to see the truth. When you are racing around you become more emotional and have less control.
The other day I was criticizing (in my head) someone close to me and their recent actions. Suddenly, like a light turning on, I was brought back to when I worked with my EFT coach, and I could see it wasn’t them; it was me. I was causing the problem with my behavior, and they were reacting to me.
It’s so easy to get caught up in the moment and forget to be mindful and evaluate the situation accurately.
I was extremely grateful to have realized this before I said or did anything to hurt that person.
Mindfulness is a 24/7 practice; we must stay watchful, or we will fall back into unhealthy behavior patterns.
If you find yourself blaming someone for something, take a quick step back and think it over. Is it really them, or is it you?