I admit it! Living single is so much easier. It’s like a big sigh of relief sometimes. After having been married for twelve years and then being in another twelve-year long relationship, being alone feels right.
I am not advocating for anyone to go throwing in the towel on their relationship or running to the divorce lawyer but, what I am saying is there might be a better way. Even good, healthy relationships have their challenges.
I have had three years to lean into what it means to be alone and live alone. It simplifies everything, and it showed me so much of what I don’t want and helped me decide what I do want. I have been able to focus solely on me and my needs, and that is important. I don’t think enough of us ever take the time to do that. We are too busy taking care of the kids, our jobs and making sure our partners are happy. There just isn’t much time left for us.
Where Did the Love Go?
I know a lot of couples, mostly married and the way they talk about their partners is shocking. I don’t hear loving, compassionate, understanding words or compliments but just complaints, irritation and frustration. In some cases, I sense underlying hatred and wonder why the heck people stay married. It makes no sense to me if you cannot stand the person you are living with, why remain in it? The answer is pretty straightforward “fear of being alone.” That is the bottom line right there.
I was listening to an Abraham Hicks today, and the best line from the entire episode was: “the very second your happiness depends on another person changing or being different than they are, the relationship is doomed.” I think that sums it up right there.
Control, Control, Control
Being in two long-term relationships turned me into a person that I didn’t like very much. Having had three years to myself, I have a much better perspective on things. I have been doing a lot of thinking about what the differences are and how I could do things better in the future.
I know early on in those relationships I accepted my partners completely. Over time, however, I think this happens especially with women, we take on the role of mother. Then everything changes. Suddenly all their little annoying habits and behaviors are not good enough, and we want them to be different. We start to treat them as children, scolding them for bad behavior. Then we wonder why they sneak around, lie and do what they want anyway.
After a few years when nothing else has worked, we up the ante to threats, nagging, constant complaining and then we are shocked that the person we are with won’t change to make us happy. Eventually, this results in resentments on both sides and unhappiness. At that point, it makes very little sense for people to stay together.
A Better Way
Although I love living alone, I would like a partner to share my love and my life with. However, I want it to be very different. I have plans to change the entire architecture of the relationship into something unique. I don’t want anything that resembles what other people are doing, or I have done in the past. So a few ways I plan on correcting my past mistakes in relationships are:
- Living Alone – I want to live alone and keep our separate homes for personal space. I think this is very important, so no one starts to take things for granted, and everyone has their own stuff, and no one feels infringed.
- Finances Separate – This is especially important for women to keep our identity and security separate from our romantic lives. We don’t need to rely on a partner to survive or thrive.
- Me Time – I want to keep plenty of “me time” in my schedule. I don’t want to spend every minute together. In past relationships I let the other person become too important, and I forgot about me and what I needed.
- Loose and Free – I would like everything kept loose, subject to change based on how each person is feeling on the day – no set schedules, restrictions or labels.
- 100% Acceptance/No Control – I want to NEVER, EVER see my partner as having to change for me. I want to accept them 100% as they are, without continually judging and hoping for slight differences. They are entirely responsible for their actions; it’s none of my business.
- Spiritual Growth – I want us both to be committed to spiritual growth within ourselves which cannot help but strengthen our relationship and make us better individuals.
- Me My Top Priority – I want me, God/The Universe and my relationship with my higher self to be my top priority, not the relationship. I can give too much of myself, and I want to set clear boundaries and take care of me first so I can be in good shape to help others.
- Trust Without Control – I want to trust with all my heart and stay out of my partners private business and them out of mine.
The Spiritual Approach to Relationships
I think the old concepts of what a relationship should be, don’t work anymore. I believe that modern approaches to partnerships will start to evolve as the spiritual growth of our community matures. What may come of it may not look like a traditional relationship at all. I think that might be a good thing. Kind of the less is more approach to relationships.
The old rules, the old habits no longer work. They feel constricting, unloving and I think they promote bad behavior in all of us. I am committed to creating something different and something better with my perfect mate that includes complete freedom but a union based on freedom, love, trust, and spiritual growth.