A good friend of mine recently chastised me for “should-ing” all over myself. After thinking about it, I realized he was right. I was being too hard on myself. I felt guilty for not doing something I thought I should.

My list of “shoulds” started to cause me a lot of pain. I was judging myself way more harshly than I would a friend or family member. My list was out of proportion with how far I have come in my life. It was a list of expectations that no one could live up to. In reality, I was doing much better in this situation than I realized, but my “shoulds” prevented me from seeing it.

The guilt I felt for not being who I wanted to be was crushing. The shame I felt for not feeling the way I “should” was also damaging. My big list of “shoulds” needed to go, but where did they come from in the first place?

How “Shoulds” Are Born

A lot of “shoulds” come from our parents and their beliefs and expectations for how you should live your life. Every parent wants the best for their kids, but many of them impart strong expectations that later feel like a concrete noose around their kid’s necks. Often, children cannot live up to those expectations, and they end up feeling guilty for disappointing their parents or shame for not being good people.

Many of my “shoulds” I created myself as I matured and decided who I wanted to be. In doing so though, I imposed super strict rules upon myself that were unrealistic and in many cases unattainable. These beliefs created conflict when I couldn’t live up to my expectations. That conflict resulted in negative feelings which then lead to pain or physical ailments.

How to Dissolve “Shoulds”

My EFT coach would always say “that’s just a story you are telling yourself.” She is right, my “shoulds” come from me and what I believe that I should be doing or should not be feeling. We dissolved a lot of my heaviest “shoulds” during EFT sessions. Tapping is a great way to work on your beliefs and clear your damaging “shoulds.” They won’t just go away by themselves; you will need to work on them to move forward.

I also recommend deep meditation and even optimal EFT to clear the “shoulds.” Another great resource I have used to dissolve old beliefs that don’t serve me well are vision statements. I can use my own written words to replace the “should” with something much more helpful and gentle. Reading them every day brings me miracles of change.

Living a Life Without “Shoulds”

Don’t get me wrong; I am not talking a life without goals. Goals are different than “shoulds.” “Shoulds” hold you to standards that only serve to punish you when you feel that you ought to be doing something differently than you are. A goal is something you can work on bit by bit to get closer to who you want to be.

I have found that regardless of how my “shoulds” got into place, they need to be dissolved and replaced by more self-compassion, and self-congratulations for the things I am doing well. My increased consciousness has allowed me to take things so much further and identify new things I want to work on. There is no constructive purpose for making myself feel bad by “should-ing all over myself.” That only brings pain and suffering, and I am done with all that!

Join Me in Cleaning Out the “Shoulds”

So join me in identifying your own “shoulds” and tossing them out in favor of something much better. I bet you will be shocked at how often you chide yourself for something you should be doing when you’re not. It’s very pervasive, but as you notice each one, you can work with it and rid yourself of the guilt and shame and return to a life of love and joy.