I joined a couple of women’s Facebook groups as part of my coaching program to offer encouragement and support whenever possible. I see a lot of unhappy women who have seriously flawed relationships. Most commenters urge the author to “dump” the man and move on. But I have to wonder, could the relationship be saved? Is there anything that could be done to make it work? I think so.
Relationships are Hard
The first line in my book is that relationships are hard. Anyone who has ever had a romantic partner knows this. Even if you love, admire, and respect your partner to the moon and back, things change once you get a little time under your belt and real-life steps in. People are human; we all have our flaws and our challenges. Some of us more than others. That makes for a problematic mix when combining two lives into one.
As I read these desperate posts on Facebook, I feel sad that so many people are suffering. We go into a relationship feeling like it all should fall into place and be perfect without doing anything to make it so. By letting it unfold naturally, we don’t take control of how we want our relationship to be, and that is part of the problem.
We all come into relationships with our own baggage, past experiences, and issues. If we have suffered any trauma, that can seriously affect how we behave in a relationship. There is a lot of psychology behind why relationships fail.
But all hope is not lost. We can create meaningful and lasting change in our relationships by changing ourselves.
You Can’t Change Them, But You Can Change Yourself
If you have ever felt the extreme frustration of someone not doing what you wanted them to, you understand how difficult it is to get anyone to change. Even if you think it is what is best for them, it’s truly only about control. It feels great to let go of trying to control someone else and putting the focus back on you.
The great news is there is plenty you can change about yourself. I behaved in relationships in ways I didn’t necessarily want to, but it was due to past trauma, previous relationships, and other experiences. I learned that bad behavior. Therefore, I could unlearn it. I spent years working on self-improvement and cultivating a mindful life, which includes daily meditation, tapping, and other healing techniques. It allows me to be the best version of myself and in my relationship.
Changing myself radically changed my romantic relationship. Even when my partner did nothing different. I created change by breaking old patterns, choosing how to respond rather than react, and focusing more on myself and my life. It’s truly magical the positive effect changing me had on my whole life.
You Have to Want to Fix Things
Change is entirely possible, but it only works if you actually want to fix things. If you are in an unhappy or unfulfilling relationship and are too resentful to make any changes, it will not improve. Then you must ask yourself if you want to stay in it.
Being willing to change and wanting to repair a broken relationship is critical. Then, you must become aware of your own actions. Although it may seem like it’s “all your partner,” it’s not. It takes two people to ruin a relationship. I used to think I was an angel and my boyfriend was the devil. Neither of those things were true.
Get Help Changing Yourself
It’s nearly impossible to change without some program or help. It’s much easier when you have an independent party who you can bounce things off and who will give you straight answers. I worked with an EFT coach for two years and then another two years with a hypnotherapist. I couldn’t have done the work myself because I couldn’t see myself clearly for a long time. Once I did, now I can maintain my mindful lifestyle myself. It takes daily practice and total commitment, but my relationship and life wouldn’t be as wonderful without the work I did.
Walking Away From Your Relationship is Okay, Too
At the very least, after changing yourself to your best version, you may find that the relationship isn’t the one for you. That is okay, too. You may discover that you have developed strong empowerment skills, become more confident and authentic, and are ready to live the extraordinary life you were meant for. It’s a win-win all around.
Don’t spend one more minute in a relationship that isn’t working for you. If you can fix it, do it! If not, find something better that makes you happy, but it all starts with changing you.